already am, always was, and i still have time to be

dear diary,
after experiencing a near breakdown sunday evening i took a deep breath and a step back and tried to gain some perspective. because that is what my mom would tell me to do. upon my exhale, i made a list of things i could control this coming week which would help to put some balance back into my days. among others were yoga, tea, contemplation, deep breaths, writing, and positivity. and to remember where i am, what i have accomplished to get me here, and why i am here at all.

this is my mid week update:
wednesday 10:49 eveningtime in bed with a small cup of wine, 'hit that heart spot' playlist, and my journal.

monday morning i woke up and emily and i headed to meet our sweet travel agent barry. when we walked out, we had booked a trip to thailand for chinese new year. excellent. we got to work around 1230pm, giving us an hour and a half of planning before our first class. high off thai dreams, i planned easily and light heartedly and felt little to no stress or anxiety. i decorated my class, cleaned out the things i didnt want or need and rearranged it to my liking. it looked and felt like mine. i introduced my classes to the treasure box and rejoiced in all the cheering. i felt calmer and better in the classroom and suddenly everything just went more smoothly..


peerfect.
tuesday emily and i had our first chinese lessons with our friend summer and new friend shannon. penny (the adorable betty claires mother, and leons wife) is our teacher. we met at dantes coffee shop at 130pm and started learning chinese...
this sounds vague but where do i begin telling about this? im learning chinese. unreal.
penny taught me how to say 'no meat please!' which will make things muuuch easier from now on so im very happy about that. learning a new language is so intriguing and romantic and challenging and i am relishing every moment of it so far. that is a 120 minutes of relishing to date.
also, in order to get our ARC (alien resident card, ie. work visa) we need to have a chinese name. so penny asked us each what our full names were and a little about us. she is going to think about it and come back with our very own chinese names soon. i will keep you posted. i expect 'dawn, trees, balance, printed words' to have something to do with it. im really excited by the idea.I headed straight to school after chinese re energized and happy, taught all my classes effortlessly and felt all the love i was exuding led back to me. classes let out at 9:10pm and i was out the door at 9:20pm and on my scooter to yoga. em and i took part in a tai chi/yoga/pilates class. seeing me (attempt to) do tai chi would make all of you laugh (endearingly). really. its strange n wonderful. we chitty chatted with the instructor Mulder afterwards and he was absolutely friggin thrilled to hear that we would be back. during the final meditation i did that whole 'black box' routine from ringette, remember mom?

this morning we woke up early and met our friend justin to go for an intense hike up monkey mountain. no boardwalk just straight mountain, mud, and rocks, with the occasional rope to hoist yourself up. lots of monkeys, lookouts, and a tea house complete with a workout area at the top. AND. wait for it..
hoola hoops.
there were a stack of hoola hoops at the the top. we drank tea and hoola hooped and rejoiced.
justin (who is completely amazing) offered to take us rock climbing up the face of the mountain sometime. so down. soo down.

on the way up a man stopped me and asked me if i was american. i told him of my canadian roots and he smiled largely and walked away. so blunt yet so sweet.
 i also passed a wicked looking older man on the way down..
he must have been 65 with a trucker hat, aviators, a walking stick, and no shoes. perfect. you hike that mountain, man.

we raced home and i devoured a banana and peanut butter and some tea and showered and went to work. i had five homework sheets, a retest, and planning for the day to do in an hour and a half. i realize this means nothing to you but trust me that last weeks ashley would have been stressed to the brim by this. this weeks ashley, however, put her head down and did it, coming up only for sips of tea. i finished it ALL. :) again, i realise this doesnt sound as amazing as it is. but a lot of credit is due here, i assure you.

i had a great day. even though two of my youngest kids cried and its really hard to understand what theyre saying when they cry. so i hugged them and then made them take deep breaths and then made them laugh and all was okay. crisis averted. oh, and i asked kevin what he wanted to be when he grows up, and without hesitating, he responded "a cowboy." Great. I asked Wendy what she wanted to be for halloween. She took two of my post it flags and placed them horizontally under her eyes, on her cheeks, and i understood this to mean Pocahontas?  haha
that brings us to right now. and right now feels just great.

this week feels exactly like i was hoping it could.

ps. i have business cards. i will send them in the mail asap. feel free to carry them anywhere and everywhere.

pps. i would like to clarify that my boss handed me a stack of business cards yesterday morning. i did NOT go out and get them made on my accord.

ppps. i am taking pictures of the little magic people tomorrow. promise.

The Laughing Heart

 your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

— by Charles Bukowski

Bukowski is a (mad) genius. Thank you for your words.

also,

this is important to remember:

source: http://myfirstwordwasmoon.tumblr.com/

i feel like myself again